there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize