theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
