Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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