I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
