I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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