Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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