Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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