I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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