Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
