How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can you bring me the toilet please
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
