I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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