She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
