I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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