All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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