Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
