that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
