I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
