I will die if light touches me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
