I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
