Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
