why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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