my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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