just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
