coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
