To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
