the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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