Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just found a bag of teeth...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
