we're chasing vodka with high fives
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
