you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
