Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
