Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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