Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
