while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
