i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
