I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
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