Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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