She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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