I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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