last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
