Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
