So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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