Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
