Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Green mimosas i think yes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
