just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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