dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
