The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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