I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
