dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
