ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
