just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
