I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
