I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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