I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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