we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
