I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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