I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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