I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
