3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
