I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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