I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
