Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
