I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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