Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
