Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is Oprah even human
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
