I will die if light touches me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
